Welcome to Say What?!, a newsroom feature wherein important issues are debated and petty scores get settled.
In today's edition, Surrey Now-Leader reporter (and Say What?! instigator) Tom Zytaruk faces off against Peace Arch News reporter Tricia Leslie in an important battle for barbecue season.
Today's topic: What's better, ketchup or mustard?
Tom says: Why ketchup is king
While Tricia over there is getting all flustered over her mustard, those in the know understand whatsup with catsup.
I have to admit, I like both condiments. They're tasty.
Relish, too.
But when it comes to a throw-down between ketchup and mustard, you know who's gotta win, and that's the red sauce.
For one, ketchup is more fashionable.
If you get a ketchup stain, it's like, Aw Geez. It happens.
But nothing says redneck like a mustard stain, especially on a white T-shirt. And mustard's not even red, for goodness sake!
Ketchup is closer to the colour of hotdogs, and is therefore more fashionably sophisticated in a colour-coordinated kind of way.
Everybody knows yellow is a cowardly colour. Red, on the other hand, is bold. Bullfighters use red capes to rile up their deadly dance partner.
Shake a yellow cape at a bull? He'd laugh at you, and that's no B.S.
And by the way, it's called the Red Badge of Courage, not the yellow. Just saying.
Ketchup is more fun. Just ask the people in Spain, specifically in Buñol, Valencia. On the last Wednesday of every August they stage their La Tomatina Tomato Fight Festival, using ketchup's basic ingredient, the over-ripe tomato, in their town-wide food fight. Good, saucy fun.
Imagine a town full of people chucking mustard's basic ingredient, ground mustard seed, at each other. How ridiculous. Dust everywhere, people coughing, and don't even think of rubbing your eyes. No laughter, not fun, just snot and tears. Forget it.
Ketchup is handier. It can be diluted into a rudimentary pasta sauce, or a kind of tomato soup. Ever had mustard soup? Nope, can't be done.
Ketchup, as noted, is made of tomatoes, which of course are grown in backyard gardens everywhere. Who grows mustard in their backyard? Nobody, that's who.
Who wants to?
Ketchup, of course, can be zesty. Ever heard of zesty mustard? You haven't.
Finally, ketchup is harmless but mustard is dangerous. In powder form, especially, it can burn your eyes something fierce. In fact, mustard can be perfectly horrific. Ever heard of ketchup gas?
Hot mustard definitely can hurt your nose. Just ask anyone who has mistaken wasabi for guacamole.
I have — Oowie.
Moreover, can any sane person disagree with the self-evident truth that to dip French fries in mustard would be to commit an act of unpardonable culinary heresy?
Ketchup it is!
Tricia says: Why mustard is monarch
Mustering up some mustard musings to counter my colleague, Tom Zytaruk’s, ken for ketchup was easy.
Basic mustard is yellow, the colour of sunshine and pretty flowers and itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, polka-dot bikinis.
The cheery tone symbolizes happiness and joy, energy and excitement, royalty, power, sunlight, positivity, spontaneity and warmth.
If someone is as keen as mustard, they’re enthusiastic and eager, but if someone can’t cut the mustard, you know they don’t meet the expected standard.
Even the Bible makes note of mustard, or rather, a “grain of mustard seed,” in a parable that emphasizes how even the smallest beginnings can have a profound and lasting impact, and that faith, even in small amounts, can be powerful.
Well I have faith — in the largest and most powerful amounts — that mustard is king over ketchup.
With summer on its way, there’s plenty of ballparks, fairs, barbecues, concerts and events to enjoy, and what better way to highlight the fun than a freshly grilled hot dog with a squiggly line of yellow mustard?
Or a warm, baked pretzel with mustard, perhaps, or on the side with a campfire-roasted smokie, brat or Bavarian sausage.
Burgers just aren’t the same without mustard. Nor is a homemade potato salad.
Ketchup, on the other hand, is red.
Red is the colour of blood, anger and sometimes, poisonous or dangerous animals. The crimson colour is often associated with negative emotions and situations, representing danger, aggression and violence.
There’s also the “red rum” and elevator scenes from Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, a psychological horror movie that resonates with all audiences.
When I think of ketchup, I think of a meatloaf topping I’ll never use.
I remember travelling in Australia for a year, where it was called “toe-MAH-to sauce” and it wasn’t very common in many restaurants or cafés, as it was considered more of an American condiment.
I was fine with that because meh, who cares?
I’m not the only one.
National Hot Dog and Sausage Council president Eric Mittenhal has made repeated efforts to get people to ditch the sugar-laden red sauce, even telling the New York Post that anyone over the age of 18 should not put ketchup on their hotdogs.
Ketchup is for kids, in other words.
Mustard, in addition to being a brighter and better colour, is a much healthier option than ketchup, at approximately five calories per serving compared to 20 calories for ketchup.
It also predates ketchup by centuries.
Bottom line: mustard is far superior to ketchup in every way and I’ll pick it over ketchup, every time.
Call me mellow yellow.
Got an opinion about this battle? Got an idea for a future battle? Contact the newsroom.
